Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Despite close supervision, my friend’s dog bit my 5-year-old while we were all on a group vacation together, sinking two teeth into my kid’s leg. My child was not bothering the dog (we have two dogs at home) and it was 100 percent the dog’s fault. Thankfully, my child is healing ok and doesn’t seem to have a fear of dogs. I know my friend wants to apologize and rationally I know it was a terrible accident, but I don’t know what my friend could possibly say to make it better. I feel like I should forgive her, but honestly, I have no idea how, especially when I think how badly it could have gone for my daughter or any of the other kids on the trip.
—Not Ready to Forgive
Dear Not Ready,
You can recognize that the dog owner didn’t want this to happen and still be angry and upset that it did. I also think forgiveness really only matters if you want to remain friends with her. Her dog seriously hurt your child, despite close supervision and no provocation on your child’s part. Right now, that’s hard for you to move past, and that’s ok. You can take some time to think about how important it is to you to try to salvage your friendship—and then, if you do want to, think about what you’d need her to say and do in order to move forward as friends.
For now, the dog owner should definitely pay for any medical treatment your child needs, including therapy if necessary. You didn’t ask about whether you should report the dog, but if you haven’t already, I believe you should. However angry you are, I don’t think reporting the bite is a matter of revenge or vindictiveness—it’s the responsible thing to do. As you said, it could have been much worse for your daughter, or any of the other kids on the trip; next time, it might be. What happens with the dog will depend on the severity of the bite and whether this has happened before. But the dog definitely won’t survive if it keeps attacking people, and it sounds like the owner needs more help controlling it. It is in everyone’s interest, including the dog’s, for the owner to act before this happens to anyone else.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter has ADHD and the Pathological Demand Avoidance profile of autism that presents as a passive Oppositional Defiant Disorder. We have to parent her using low-demand parenting, which looks pretty different from the standard strategies. I have found that other adults without information tend to presume that we are incompetent or overly permissive. I need a comeback to “helpful” advice to shut them down and hopefully get them to do some introspection. I’d prefer not to have to disclose diagnoses. I’m having trouble coming up with more than, “thanks but there’s more here than meets the eye.” Can you please help?
—Low-Demand Mama
Dear Low Demand Mama,
I really wish I could get everyone on Team Mind Your Own Business when it comes to other kids’ behavior (barring legitimate safety concerns, obviously). The urge to offer unsolicited advice is so strong—and some people are convinced that they’re doing you and your kid some kind of great favor, even when they’re also being judgy as hell.
I understand why you don’t want to volunteer information about your daughter to just anyone. You certainly don’t owe everyone an explanation. But then I think it’s also difficult to drive home the point that people’s favorite parenting hacks are neither applicable nor helpful in every scenario. I also have an autistic daughter, and sometimes I’ll say something like “Not every kid communicates or processes information in the same way.” It doesn’t get through to everyone—especially people who really think of themselves as God’s gift to poor hapless parents who’ve never heard of “discipline”—but sometimes it does shut folks up long enough for us to get on with our day. If you still feel that’s too much info to offer people you don’t know, you could try to dismiss them with “That approach doesn’t work for us” or the blunter “Don’t assume you know what my kid needs.” It sucks that you have to deal with this at all, but try to remember that people’s rigid expectations say much more about them than they do about you or your daughter.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 17-year-old daughter is a junior, and she’s the best. She’s quick and funny, pleasant and helpful around the house, independent and interested in many things. She engages with the community—coaching kids’ soccer, babysitting for neighbors, volunteering during breaks. She talks to me easily about topics I never would have discussed with my parents. She chooses family as often as she chooses friends; I didn’t even know teenagers were capable of that! I certainly wasn’t. I don’t deserve this great kid the stork brought me.
The problem is her grades. She’s in several advanced classes, and she does the work—she often sits at the kitchen table and I can see that she’s doing it—but the grades are average at best. I’ve offered to help, but she almost never wants it, and anyway, the subjects where she struggles the most (Spanish, math, physics, all advanced) are the ones where she’s already beyond my abilities. She talks about wanting to excel, and has ambitious career plans; she fought to get into those advanced classes. She turns everything in, and goes to teacher office hours, and she even started a Spanish conversation group at her school. She worked with the school counselor on test-taking strategies. And still, her GPA hovers somewhere below a 3.0. When I ask what happened on that test she’d studied so much for, she is frustrated and defensive. Her teachers say she’s doing ok and has the potential to do better, but it’s clear she isn’t their priority, as she’s neither failing nor excelling in a way that interests them.
She gives me none of the typical teenage trouble, so I’ve never wanted to come down too hard on her, but I’m increasingly worried that she won’t get into college, or only get into the lowest-tier schools at the highest price. C students don’t get scholarships. I don’t care about a prestige-brand university, but I feel strongly that she needs to check the bachelor’s degree box to have the widest array of options in life. I feel like I wasted time just enjoying her company and letting her fall behind, and now it’s too late. Can you give me some reassurance that every other wonderful thing about her will balance out her mediocre grades, and she’ll still be able to get enough education to find a fulfilling path to self-supporting adulthood? Or do I need to become the parent who hovers and “helps” and tries to manage her education? She would resent that, and I’m afraid it would wreck the harmony and closeness I cherish.
—Too Little Too Late?
Dear Too Little,
First of all, enjoying your child’s company and appreciating all the wonderful things about her is never a waste of time! And you didn’t “let” her fall behind; you don’t have control over her grades or how her tests go. She’s making a ton of effort, which means she probably is learning a lot, even if her GPA isn’t what either of you wish it were.
I realize your daughter only has one year of high school left after this, but you might want to consider having her formally assessed for learning disabilities or other issues, just in case she’s eligible for more support and/or accommodations. If there are no clear learning challenges at play—or even if there are—getting her a tutor could also help. Junior year is often the hardest, especially once you throw in all the college-prep stuff—if there’s a way for her senior year to be even slightly easier, that’s something to consider. She doesn’t have to take advanced classes across the board, for example; you can think about having her prioritize advanced courses in the subjects she’s most excited about, maybe things she has seriously thought about majoring in.
There are different paths to a higher education, job training, and a fulfilling adult life. Your daughter could be someone who really benefits from starting at a community college before transferring to a four-year university. She might find a vocational training program that leads her to a career. Or she might get into a college you can afford, and follow a path more like the one you might have imagined for her.
Knowing and accepting that our kids will be ok sometimes requires us to expand our definition of “ok.” I realize that, as a parent, you really want someone to be able to look into the future and tell you that everything is going to be great for your kid. The bad news is that no one can ever tell you what’s going to happen. The good news? Your daughter most likely will be fine, or even better than fine. She’s a kind, loving, hardworking person who trusts you and already contributes a ton to her community. I bet she’s going to find her way, and you’ll be there to support her as she does.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 7-year-old son goes to a private school and has been ostracized by the other parents. He was the only child on the basketball team not invited to a party and was crushed when everyone was yelling “party time” after practice. He plays with these kids every day at school, but has never been invited on a play date. I have reached out but the kids are always busy. There is a very strong mom clique and only three moms are not in it. I feel like these moms are ruining my child’s experience. They really seem heartless. How do I navigate this, as it is the best school in the area academically?
—Boy on the Outside
Dear Outside,
If the other parents are as terrible and exclusionary as you say, I’m not sure I’d want to try to get in with them, even if you could. This might sound flippant, but I mean it sincerely: Is there an academically-good-enough school in the area where people aren’t jerks or snobs? Every decision comes with tradeoffs, but I personally don’t think it matters how great a school is if your child is miserable there. I’m not saying you fill out the transfer paperwork today—perhaps just be open to the idea that another school might be a better fit for him.
Of course, it could be that you and your son just need to give it more time. Maybe there are nice kids with nice parents that you can get to know through school, the basketball team, other organizations or activities, etc. I think it’s fine to keep reaching out and trying! But if nothing has changed at all, say, a year from now, it’s worth thinking about what other school options you have. Maybe the second- or third-best school in the area—or even your neighborhood school?—would provide your son with a good elementary-school education and friends who’ll actually give him the time of day.
—Nicole
I am a horror fan. I also have a 7-month-old daughter, who often sits in my lap while I watch horror movies. At what age can she comprehend what she is seeing, and when should I stop watching horror films and gory content in her presence? I don’t want her to grow up thinking it’s normal to capture men in bear suits … or do I?
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